Electric Moon.

Seriously, it's been a year and a half since Ive added anything to this blog? I guess I can't be too surprised but time has been extremely limited since my last post. The last year and a half has been the hottest of messes.  A failed relationship (with a married supervisor, no less), a hit and run in the school parking lot, the loss of 3 cats, falling behind on school work to the point that I probably wont be graduating until Winter rather than in May, and then finding the love of my life in a completely unexpected way at a point where I was ready to give up entirely.....it has been a time of tremendous change and growth. I think the most important change is that I have accepted having ADD, depression, and anxiety.  I have never fully trusted the bipolar disorder diagnosis. I was diagnosed with ADD at age 7 and I've spent the past 20 years denying it. My mind has a million stories to tell me about why I was essentially failing at life: "I'm stupid and lazy&quo

The first half of the Fall 2017 semester has been rough. Try as I might, I simply can't get into the groove of things. I keep saying to myself: "When is this semester going to start?! School, at this point, feels surreal.  I've spent a lot of time feeling detached from myself and my surroundings thanks to depression.  As a result, I've stopped studying, taking notes, and reading chapters.  I managed to cram the night before for one of my midterm exams but didn't even bother cracking the books for the other exams. The day of one of my exams that I didn't study for, I walked down the hall to the class room feeling like an inmate being lead to the electric chair. I knew I was about to get seriously fucked. And Sweet Jesus, did I ever! This exam was probably the most difficult I had ever taken. 85 questions worth of guessing later, I walked out of the room feeling worse than when I had walking in. I kept wondering how I could allow myself to be so unprepared for

 For the longest time, I would get deeply annoyed with adults who would talk of something being "unfair".  We in Western society are taught about "fairness" from a young age, yet we know it's bullshit almost right off the bat.  We quickly learn that people do ugly things and the nastiness often goes unpunished.  So, when I would hear an adult mention fairness, I would roll my eyes and wonder if they lived in a bubble their whole lives where reality rarely occurs and didn't know that unfairness was just something that happens.  However, due to a rather painful recent event (yet another one), I am realizing that the complaints aren't about the unfairness itself but rather the sting of being hurt.  At no point do we ever become truly accustomed to disappointment, pain, and mistreatment.  We can push it away or suppress it, but we never stop feeling the hurt of not being treated the way we should be treated. Now, when I hear adults complain of lack of fair

I have a 3-second attention span right now, so this isn't going to be long.  I'm having difficulties with the Abilify I started approximately a month ago.  I am constantly restless, unable to focus (even with Adderall), and sleep...lol...what's that?  I haven't gotten a good night's rest in days.  BUT I'm doing well emotionally. Other than being bored because nothing holds my attention, I feel better.  Multiple people are telling me that the Abilify isn't worth the side effect, but I feel that others have the right to make that statement.  I am not ripping people's heads off or screaming every 5 minutes anymore so I'd say that the positive far outweighs the negative.  And if I never wanna sleep again, that's my choice, right? :D  My summer course is over (with a B+!) and now I can breathe for a while.  My focus now (when available) is on Tarot.  I have developed a fascination with card reading.  The Tarot has shown me more than I thought it po

The past couple of weeks have been difficult.  I went through a break-up that wasn't totally unexpected yet hurt nonetheless.  To make matters worse, despite agreeing to be friends after the breakup, he has cut me off completely .  This includes blocking me on Facebook, not responding to my text messages or phone calls, and just fucking disappearing.  I'm going to assume that he isn't dead because I know I'd hear about it, so I choose to believe that he is so depressed over losing such an amazing girlfriend that he can't bear to read my text messages and seeing my Facebook profile makes him break down into a sobbing hot mess. Meanwhile, over in reality, he's probably with another bitch already and doesn't want me to know about it. Does that idea bother me? Strangely, no. It doesn't. I cried for a week and now I'm to the point of not really giving a shit. Not long after the break-up, a new kitten that had been hanging around outside was hit by a car

I have been dealing with an intense down phase recently, and I have been attempting to find ways that are unusual to me for coping and diverting my attention away from the inner chaos.  So, I did some Googling and found a 30-day writing prompt challenge.  This should be interesting. The first prompt is five ways to win my heart.  This one should be fairly easy since I've obsessed over this topic on multiple occasions. Please note: I am using the phrase "win my heart" in the context not limited to only romantic interest but my general affection: 1. Show kindness towards other creatures be they animal or human. A loving nature and understanding are two characteristics that I cherish, both in myself and in others. Kindness shows me that a person possesses depth and wisdom. Which leads me to... 2. Show me that you're intelligent . Not only in a book-smarts sort of way but on the mental, emotional, and spiritual levels also.  Know yourself, know as much as you can