Holy fuck.
Seriously, it's been a year and a half since Ive added anything to this blog?
I guess I can't be too surprised but time has been extremely limited since my last post. The last year and a half has been the hottest of messes. A failed relationship (with a married supervisor, no less), a hit and run in the school parking lot, the loss of 3 cats, falling behind on school work to the point that I probably wont be graduating until Winter rather than in May, and then finding the love of my life in a completely unexpected way at a point where I was ready to give up entirely.....it has been a time of tremendous change and growth.
I think the most important change is that I have accepted having ADD, depression, and anxiety. I have never fully trusted the bipolar disorder diagnosis. I was diagnosed with ADD at age 7 and I've spent the past 20 years denying it. My mind has a million stories to tell me about why I was essentially failing at life:
"I'm stupid and lazy"
"I'm just not good enough."
"I'm a moron who is unworthy of a good, successful life."
"If I tried harder. Ran my motor 24/7 and did something every moment of the day, things would be different. I'd get ahead or at least be able to keep pace with everyone else."
The thoughts I had were as harmful to me as the untreated ADD. I was slowly killing myself with my negative self-talk and the massive chip on my shoulder. Then came Michael. Michael is THE best "thing" to ever happen in my life. We met back in December of 2018 and we fell in love within days. The spark between us was there from the moment we talked. He quickly became my best friend, my cheerleader, my debate partner, and the love of my life. Not until he came into my life did I realized just how much I needed to heal and rebuild, and that I am actually worthy of having a happy life. Fer rill.
Since then, I've had my dose of Adderall XR adjusted from 20 mg to 30 mg., while the Wellbutrin was increased from 150 mg to 300 mg. The difference has been (for lack of not being able to say it without it sounding totally cliche) like night and day. In addition, I've been reading every book on ADD I can get my hands on, and I've subscribed to ADDitude magazine so that I can understamd what I am working with and ways of coping and compensating that are effective for we neuro-atypical folk.
My conversation skills have improved tremendously. My thought processes are more organized. I'm able to express myself in a clearer, more deliberate and careful manner. My writing skills have improved. I am more social and less anxious. I can't express the amount of joy and gratitude that fills my heart.
On a note that has nothing to do with what I've been discussing in this post: I have discovered Stranger Things and I'm pretty sure it was created just for me, right down to Steve's hair style that is actually inspired by Morten. And Mike in plays Dungeons and Dragons while my Michael was a Dungeon-master in the 80's. BAM! I am about to start season 2 and I'm already hyped about season 3 coming out this Summer. ♥
I guess I can't be too surprised but time has been extremely limited since my last post. The last year and a half has been the hottest of messes. A failed relationship (with a married supervisor, no less), a hit and run in the school parking lot, the loss of 3 cats, falling behind on school work to the point that I probably wont be graduating until Winter rather than in May, and then finding the love of my life in a completely unexpected way at a point where I was ready to give up entirely.....it has been a time of tremendous change and growth.
I think the most important change is that I have accepted having ADD, depression, and anxiety. I have never fully trusted the bipolar disorder diagnosis. I was diagnosed with ADD at age 7 and I've spent the past 20 years denying it. My mind has a million stories to tell me about why I was essentially failing at life:
"I'm stupid and lazy"
"I'm just not good enough."
"I'm a moron who is unworthy of a good, successful life."
"If I tried harder. Ran my motor 24/7 and did something every moment of the day, things would be different. I'd get ahead or at least be able to keep pace with everyone else."
The thoughts I had were as harmful to me as the untreated ADD. I was slowly killing myself with my negative self-talk and the massive chip on my shoulder. Then came Michael. Michael is THE best "thing" to ever happen in my life. We met back in December of 2018 and we fell in love within days. The spark between us was there from the moment we talked. He quickly became my best friend, my cheerleader, my debate partner, and the love of my life. Not until he came into my life did I realized just how much I needed to heal and rebuild, and that I am actually worthy of having a happy life. Fer rill.
Since then, I've had my dose of Adderall XR adjusted from 20 mg to 30 mg., while the Wellbutrin was increased from 150 mg to 300 mg. The difference has been (for lack of not being able to say it without it sounding totally cliche) like night and day. In addition, I've been reading every book on ADD I can get my hands on, and I've subscribed to ADDitude magazine so that I can understamd what I am working with and ways of coping and compensating that are effective for we neuro-atypical folk.
My conversation skills have improved tremendously. My thought processes are more organized. I'm able to express myself in a clearer, more deliberate and careful manner. My writing skills have improved. I am more social and less anxious. I can't express the amount of joy and gratitude that fills my heart.
On a note that has nothing to do with what I've been discussing in this post: I have discovered Stranger Things and I'm pretty sure it was created just for me, right down to Steve's hair style that is actually inspired by Morten. And Mike in plays Dungeons and Dragons while my Michael was a Dungeon-master in the 80's. BAM! I am about to start season 2 and I'm already hyped about season 3 coming out this Summer. ♥
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